sitting in your weeds

Okay, so I have been listening to John Coe, more than just a little but. He referenced St. Teresa of Avila on the subject of being invited by God to sit in our weeds with him.

The picture here is that we often run around the garden of our heart pulling the weeds. But we are only be able to change the surface, and the roots will remain, only to grow back. We all have been raised, in one way or another, to cover our bad with good. Pulling the tops of the weeds of our heart is simply a cover. This is a life that many choose, and many are held captive by.

On the other hand, God offers us the freedom and protection of his presence and love to sit amongst our weeds. With no condemnation, he stirs the circumstances of our lives to reveal the weeds of our hearts. He then invites us to sit amongst the weeds with him. We have a choice to sit. As we sit there may be blessing, there may simply be weeds, there may be silence. But here amongst our weeds God is able to reveal the roots.

These words were freeing to hear, but I had yet to experience them. Then this week I sat in the midst of a meeting, checking out. There was an invitation to pray (I do work at church). As I sat there deciding what to do I was too frustrated (the Christian phrase for, "I was really angry") to be anything but honest. So I poured out the thoughts that came. They were quick to come, but they were slow to be written in my journal:

I am tired.
I am done with this meeting.
I am angry.
I am disappointed in myself.
I want people to think my idea is the best.
I want to be lazy.

I thought now God could give me the answer we were looking for, but I quickly realized this was an invitation to sit amongst my weeds. I needed to give up what I want, and just sit with God. This time he chose to show me my weeds:

I put myself in places of control/power so that even when I yield it is only because I choose to.
I get incredibly angry when MY kingdom is usurped.
I use God's Name as a justification for MY kingdom.
I am more interested in seeing MY kingdom flourish.
Being in charge is not to serve others, but to see MY kingdom fulfilled.

Here are my weeds. They seem harsh now typed for all to see. But at the time they were sweet. It was good to see what was under the surface of my heart. God has been changing me. Reshaping my desires. And the only way to be fully formed like His Son is to go deeper. These were welcome words. The beauty was that they came as my own. I was able to admit their truth in the light of God's acceptance.

One day I know He will pull these weeds, and I long to continue to trust God to show me more of my heart and what can be made new.