may i commend to you, jesus

Friends, it has been a glorious few weeks. The first two of which were heart wrenching and confusing, but now clarity (even though darkly). For some time it has been difficult to walk with Jesus conversationally. Mostly because of my unwillingness to obey his voice.

So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did. That is why I was angry with that generation, and I said, 'Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.' So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.'" - Hebrews 3:7-11 (NIV)

How true this is. I pray that your heart might be wooed in part by this reminder as Jesus has done with me over the past months.

The time that Jesus' wooing became un-ignorable began a few weeks ago with the loss of my iPod. After a long day I wished to retreat to a movie while Rebecca watched Grey's Anatomy. My iPod was gone. I looked through my bag, where it normally is. I searched the house for the usual suspects of places that it might be. I cleaned out my car. Inside bitterness rose. Frustration. "Why can't I have this God!" Came rushing through my head . . .

Spend some time with me.

"No! I want my iPod." In a huff I disdainfully sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy . . . which is not fun, but certainly was not going to be spending time with God. I was so frustrated with Jesus trying to "invade" my time. This was my time to relax. Again, the invitation . . .

Spend some time with me.

Uhh. I fought off this feeling for a few moments. Then, "Fine! I'll read my Bible." I reach into my bag and pull out my Bible and journal . . . there was my iPod.

"Really Jesus? Were you leading me hear all along?" I began to remember how sweet it is to be guided in the small and mysterious moments of life by Jesus. What freedom and joy were had. Jesus really did care about me, and so, in part, my iPod.

Not convinced of the availability of this kind of conversational relationship. I had bought into the lie that this was "Not that season of spiritual growth for me." I went about life the same.

Then Prince Caspian. I saw the recent film version with my nuclear family (Dad, Mom, and brother). We are crazy Narnia fans. I hated the movie. It was nothing like the book. It did not represent Aslan as I knew him. It made following Aslam a mysterious journey where "Aslan's not here, you can;t see him, but you just need to believe." The message of the book is, "Aslan is there, to see him you must believe." I spent the movie longing for the real Aslan to show up. My favorite line from the book was in there. Lucy notices that Aslan seems bigger and he says something like, "You will find that as you grow I get bigger too." So true about Jesus. I cry when he says it. I love this lion . . . but it is a dream . . . the movie quickly departs from the book again and I am angry. I stew for the next hour. Longing for the lion I know and love to return. Then, in the quiet frustration, a thought.

Will you be satisfied with Aslan when he shows up?

No. Even if the movie apologizes and does the real story at the end . . . Even if the movie makes me cry about Aslan again . . . I am still longing for more. I realize, I am NOT waiting for Aslan. I am waiting for Jesus . . .

I spent the next few weeks going through the rest of the Narnia books falling in love with what parts of Jesus come through the stories to me. It was a grand love affair. How good my Lord and Saviour is. How strong. How beautiful. How caring. How true. How real.

I have this sense that this kind of love affair is what God wants with me each day. This kind of intimacy. But I feel lost about how . . .

Then I stumbled upon the audio version of John Eldredge's new book Walking with God. I buy everything. So it jumped into my car and into the CD player.

It is read by the John. His voice is soooo dramtatic. His imagery so . . . extreme. His life with God so . . . graphic. I hated it and wanted it all at the same time.

All of his crazy stories of Jesus leading in small things, Jesus revealing opportunities for healing, Jesus defeating the Enemy's lies . . . stupid crazy Jesus.

"I know this is what you want for me! It feels so right. So full. So real . . . Okay Jesus, I'm in."

So now it's been a week or so of walking with Jesus conversationally. He helped me with my schedule. Has helped me with relationships. Helped me fight temptation. Helped me with love and grace when I have sinned. Helped me teach others. Helped me care for my family. Helped me see clearly the Enemy's assaults and accusations. Helped me find a folder I was missing. He literally told me where it was . . . in my trunk . . . and it was there.

On top of it all I have been invited to pray about a 9 month program for Christian leaders that helps them set aside time for the healing and refreshing of their hearts. Its a beautiful program that is fully paid for and includes three retreats, monthly prayer days, and monthly spiritual direction. I was so excited for the program. All I needed to do was commit to the dates . . .

Here's the problem. The first retreat is the 18th-20th of September, and I leave for Hawaii (our first family vacation in years!) the 19th. I am stuck. I am out. It's over. It was too good to be true. Disappointed I still have a sense from God . . .

It will all work out for good.

So I call to get the paperwork. Guess what? The first retreat is the 17th-19th. I can leave the retreat and still make the plane to Hawaii! Even better . . . Rebecca approves AND I realize that in filling out my paperwork to request vacation something got messed up with requesting the 19th-28th off. I got approved for vacation the 17th-26th!

So, Jesus is good my friends. He wants us to have joy . . . I read these words yesterday . . .

The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. - Proverbs 10:28 (TNIV)

In the midst of some serious disappointment at work, personal struggle with sin and past pain, and the stress of selling our house and moving . . . there has been Jesus and his joy.

May I commend to you, Jesus?